As time past and by the end of my Junior year in High School. I realize I must end everything with Patrick. I must never give in to him again. But how to do that without giving into his whims. I practiced everyday talking to the mirror to work up enough courage and strength to stand up to him. And then I really don't remember how I did it. But I got somehow to get him to agree to leave me. He even said confidently "You'll be back!" I didn't go back to him. But I did hurt a lot. All I had to comfort me was myself and a little encouragment from my good friend, probably my only friend Simon. We met in the beginning of High School, freshmen year. But we were always occupied with our own difficulties throughout life. Throughout high school we would occasionally ditch together and speak about whatever was on our minds. I always found it relieving to speak to someone without motive or bias about my difficulties.
He was always going to difficulties with different girls. At first he went out with a girl named Alisha but by the end of freshmen year she broke up with him. And even though he admitted to her that he was falling in love with her. She told him she didn't feel the same way. So than I told him "never give up on love, no matter what difficulties show up!" He just smiled. He always worked with his families business and had a lot of pressure by his parents as the oldest son. He told me that he felt burdened. That he didn't know if he could achieve anything. I was always confident that he will achieve anything he puts his mind to. He is very intelligent and jovial. The only one that ever made me laugh even at my most difficult moments with Patrick. He somehow gave me the courage to go on. Somehow he gradually let me be aware of my own strengths. When all I see in myself are my flaws, and insecurities.
He later found a girl that he fall deeply in love with named Margret, but she seemed to me a strange person. I never liked the way she spoke about Simon. I never liked her behavior. She seemed to me manipulative and controlling. Even abusive verbally and physically to Simon. I would occasionally find him bruised and beat up. Margret would brag about it. But Simon said not to hold it against her. Cause he loves her. Cause I respect him, I wouldn't dare lift a finger cause i didn't want to cause him difficulties. Yet, it was difficult to see him like that then. It was difficult. So I kept to myself.

My Love Is Of A Birth As Rare
It Was Begotten By Despair
Upon Impossibility
Two perfect Loves
Not Lets Them Close
Though Loves Whole World On Us Doth Wheel
As I Was
So Loves Oblique May Well
Therefore The Love Which Us Doth Bind
I Was That Silly Thing
To Practice This Thin Love
I Climbed From Sex to Soul
To Thought
Rolling From Soul To Thought
And Then From The Soul I Delighted For the Sex Again
Lovers Professing There Spirits Fate
Boast To Souls To Souls Convey
An Embrace Makes All Parts Made Prisoner


Well just for anyone to not get the wrong idea I was only 17 years old then. I never had sexual relations with Simon. But I did love him, and he loved me in a way. We loved eachother and admired eachother, and respected eachother. He was my friend, my only true friend. But dispite what we felt about eachother our love for our others made us stay apart for the sake of love and our relationships with them. I saw him when he tried to stand up to Margret, just like he saw me when I tried to stand up to Patrick. Always the first day will go well. They would leave. Than the next day, we both fell back in love with them. As though all the bad, the hurt feelings disappeared. But I didn't know that our love for them would cost us so much.... I wouldn't have ever imagined it than. But our love for them kept us apart and our pain with them welled up inside that it became our torture, our agony, our pain.

Slowly I began to realize, that maybe Patrick really didn't love me. But every time I would attempt to "move on." Try to let him go and be happy with another. Because why else would he be behaving like this if I made him happy? If he loved me? Why would he be so contradictory, hurtful, cruel, vindictive. But he would always come back to me. Once he asked me to wait for him. And I did. The only condition I made was that, if he were to see another girl and wanted to keep it a secret from everyone my family, his family, everyone at our school. Than don't mention me, don't make things complicated by acknowledging me and putting me at fault. For anything.
But that didn't happen either. Somehow I was the "fox" the "other woman" the "cruel one." I don't know how it began, I don't even know what was said or done. But things kept getting worse. One day, someone ran up behind me and started beating me so harshly that my back thighs were so bruised that I couldn't walk for a good week. Everytime I tried to look for my own future, he would come back to me and say "I miss you!" "I love you!" "I need you!" and if i was unconvinced he would play on any doubt I had. Like he would say, "Did I mean anything to you?" "Did you even love me?" "Why did you want to have sex with me than?" I only shared that with him. I wouldn't even know another guy's touch throughout the rest of my life. I didn't even want to. I only wanted him forever. But this sort of relationship began to be difficult. So I continued our secret "affair" relationship. For the sake of love.

For Love Of Patrick Mattoon
O The Better For Me You'll Never Be
Though Your Heart's Blood Were A Spilling
And Death With Him Was Dealing
To Lay Me Down In Sorrow
My Love Has Died For Me Today
I'll Die For Him Tomorrow
With Lovers 'Twas Of Old The Fashion
By Presents To Convey Their Passion
Saw That Love Was Meant To Walk
And Pass Our Long Love's Day
I Would Love You For Ten Years Before The Creation Of The World
My Vegetable Love Should Grow
And The Last Ages Should Show Your Heart
Nor Would I Love At Lowere Rate
Deserts Of Vast Eternity
But None I Think
Do There Embrace
And While Thy Willing Soul Transpires
And Tear Out Pleasures With Rough Strife
Through The Iron Gates Of Life

I tried countless times, trying to make him understand my position. Make understand my feelings and being reasonable. But to no avail. Everywhere I looked everyone was a false friend, and an enemy. Everywhere I turned I had no where to go. Once I went to visit him and plead for him to end it. End all this trouble he caused me. He doesn't really want me. If he did he wouldn't be hiding me, there wouldn't be so much suffering. But he said he was sorry and swept me in his arms. Than after a few hours together. He gave me a gift and said "This doesn't change anything." I walked down that street that night with the gift in arm, crying, weeping. Wondering what do I do next? Where do I go from here? He has the advantage. I'm always going to be at the disadvantage.

I was ready to put all my effort forward to try to forget Patrick. I first time I tried to forget about him was finding another bf. I was downtown with two girls I used only meet up with just to ditch. Other than that we really don't have any other kind of relationship. Tera and Amanda Noon. But Tera was rather talkative and invited a lot of unwanted attention to us. But I didn't say anything it is not like she is doing this to be spiteful. She was rather one of those people that likes to attract as much attention to herself as possible. Plus, she doesn't have a great family life. So day we went to a coffee shop and we met three guys that day. One was named Max aka (Caine), another one was Jacque and Edward. Edward was a very nice guy very polite and wore a lot of Metallica T-shirts. Tera seemed very keen on him. And Jacque was very nervous fellow who liked to speak about the Bible a lot. It seemed to be his only outlet. Max was a very jovial and friendly person. He was kind and down to earth. I like his attitude. Everytime he would see me walking downtown or ditching school. He would try to make me laugh. He would make me forget every hurt I been though that day because of Patrick or some girl. One day Tera took me with her to go to a park and we met up with some guys that she calls "her boys." And than we went with two guys to his place and one was trying to get me in a room with him. I was so nervous and scared that I kept trying to signal to Tera to leave. She was rather reluctant to leave but after begging we left.
Maybe she isn't a good friend. Maybe she isn't really concerned about me or herself. But I really believe she is good. Or maybe I'm just so naive. Maybe I'm really stupid. After a time she left me alone. And she once told before she left that she likes me. That she is attracted to me. That I really don't understand how that is possible, after all everytime I see her she is always chasing after guys. She even told me once that Patrick at a school dance pushed her against the wall and tried to have his way with her. It was rather painful hearing this. I really don't know what to think or believe. I'm so confused about who is real and who is fake. She before she moved to Las Vegas wanted me to kiss her to see if I had any feelings for her. I agreed. I got so sick that day after she kissed me that I threw up. I knew I was attracted to her but it is all I could do for her...
I even went out with Max, since he asked me out one day. I dated him for a month. We only saw eachother twice a week for that month. I was even beginning to believe that maybe all the pain Patrick was putting me through could be left behind and I can start to look forward to a new future. Than Patrick started coming over to my room at night, like when we were kids I used to run away to his room at night sleep with him. But this time it was different. I gave him my viginity. Looking back I would do it again just because I never could imagine being with anyone else but him. Someone that knew about my relationship with Max told the counselors at high school that I was called into the office and they told me that I had to stop seeing him cause he was older. And it can get him in trouble. So I broke up with him and didn't even give them his name to try to spare him. It's not that I didn't like him. I liked him very much. But I wasn't in love with him. And Patrick knew about it. Cause I tell him everything. Wither be believes every word out of my mouth. I really don't know. But I still never lied to him... That I can't bet my life on.
Max never once touched me. Never once layed a finger on me. I've kissed him. And that was all. He always very kind to me.


Fate so spends uncertain victory
And whilst our souls negotiate there
If any
So by love refined
That his souls language understood
And by good love were grown all mind
Tell us what we love we see see by this
It was not sex
But as several souls contain
Love these mixed souls doth mix again
When love with one another so
Interanimates two souls
That abler soul
Which thence doth flow
We then
Who are this new soul
Know are souls
Whom no change can invade
So soul into soul may flow
Spirit as like souls as it can
So must pure lovers
Soul descend to affections
Weak men on love revealed may look
Loves mysteries in souls do grow
And if some lover
Such as me
Small change
When were two bodies gone

Maybe he didn't love me like I loved him. Maybe he didn't have faith in me. Maybe he didn't trust me. But I will never know. Cause he would always abandon me. I learned that trying to have friends was a negative effect on me. Those girls really weren't there for me. They had there own ideas. All I wanted to do. Was to go to a coffee shop, eat, watch a movie, or read a book alone that was my usually ditching life. But with those girls it would attract all these complications... Patrick attracted difficulties at school so I tried to stay from there. I wanted a place to myself. Just for me. And I never seem to be able to achieve it. Where I'm I going. What I'm I doing? I'm lost in direction. I have no address, no home, no place, I'm as good as homeless. My home with my family is a prison. Everyday I arrive they find a way to make me feel like I'm a burden. A burden to them, a burden to anyone else that my be so unforunate to cross my path.... I'm so miserable... I'm so sadd.... So alone...

It is my love
O, it is my love
Or if thou wilt not
Be but sworn my love
Alas, my love you do me wrong
To cast me off discourteously,
And I have loved you so long
Delighting in your company
You love and good will for you to have
And yet thou wouldst not love me
Now farewell
Adieu
God I pray to prosper thee
For I am still thy lover true
Come once again and love me
Most to thy motions lovers seasons run?
Love all alike
No season knows
Nor time, Nor hours, Days, Months
Which are the rays of time?
Why shouldst thou think?
Go and catch a falling star
Tell me where all past years are
Or to keep off envy's stinging
Serves to advance an honest mind
If thou best born to strange sights
All strange wonders that befall thee
Such a pilgrimage were sweet.

As I stood watching Patrick go run of with another girl after another. I felt as if an ocean was between us. I never felt so alone and distance at the same time. But now it is all its all I feel. Now it is all I can do. Now it is all can whisper is "I love you, be happy." I look to the horizon that day watching sunrise and sundown. I make a prayer that night. I asked god, please guide me through this. What should I do? Is there a point were I have to say goodbye to him? Is there a point were I have to give him up? Is there a point where my loving will pay the price of heartache and loss forever? When will I know he gave up on me? Is truly being the orginator of all this beating and abuse from other people? Is he truly that spiteful and cruel? He might have never even thought about me or what I was going through, He might have never thought about my pain. Only his. His pain, his anger. His heartache. What do I do? Dear God!!!

Cannot

If We Cannot Be Together
Than We Will Long For Each Other
As Longing Such a State Was Bliss
If We Cannot Love
Than We Will Care For One Another
As If A Dream Brought Us Together
A Nightmare Tore Us Apart
Lovingly Sweet Dreams Candy

This was wrote after I shared myself with Patrick. I gave him all of me. I wanted so much from this relationship. So much that I barely had anything for myself. I didn't have anything for myself. I wanted to be with him together forever. Than he left me. I saw him as he went to another girl to another. And I didn't even interest him anymore. I'm not interesting anyways. I'm just me. Nothing to really offer him. Nothing to give. I may not even have a future. I understand that you want that. Soon the gossip and rumors got so out of hand I didn't understand what was going on. I had girls coming up to me for a fight. I had guys pushing me and hitting me. I don't know what the rumors were.... But eventually I found out it all orginated with Patrick. And my heart sank. I don't want to think bad of him. I refuse. So I ran away. I ditched everyday at school. Only to wind up downtown talking to strangers. But even if I don't know thim. At least it was away from the pain I feel deep within my heart. The heartache that is tearing me up. The lies that bruise my body. The illness that strings along my life. So I put all my effort in trying to protect myself by trying to forget all about Patrick. I need to forget about him. I need to try to surivive or else I won't be able to continue to love him. I just want to love him. Even if I can't be by him. I will love him no matter the distance. Bye Patrick. I pushed you was with my illness. It is fair to put me through pain in return. Sorry. All I wanted was to protect you. All I wanted was to love you. I can't go against my parents. If they don't let anyone see me when I'm sick. If they don't want anyone to know. Than I can't do anything. I begged them. I asked them to let you see me. But all they would say is. "Do you want to hurt him?" Sorry. I never wanted to. So I never said again. Just sat in that hospital bed and waited for a better tomorrow.

Thou Art More Lovely
And More Temperate
Sometimes Too Hot The Eye Of Heaven Shines
So Long Lives This
And This Gives Life To Thee
For Thy Sweet Love Remembered
Such Wealth Brings
Admit Impediments
Love Is Not Love
Which Alters
When It Alteration Finds
Or Bends With The Remover To Remove
Loves Not Times Fool
Through Rosy Lips And Cheeks
Love Alters Not With His Brief Hours And Weeks
But Bears It Out Even To The Edge Of Doom
If This Be Error And Upon Me Proved
I Never Written
Nor No Man Ever Loved

I will love Patrick forever. That is what I promised. I may not be able to embrace him. I may not be able to have the power to have stand by my side. Maybe no one is ever allowed to be with me. Maybe I'm suppose to be alone. And die alone. Maybe. I just wanted to love him. Even if it is from far away I will love him. I can't say I understand what he went through. How much it hurt when my parents shut to door on his face? How much did it hurt when he couldn't find me? What suspicions would he have. I was 15 years old than. And I wasn't ready to die. I'm still not ready to die. I had so many plans. But all my plans included him. Included Patrick. I don't have many friends. Of people have many face in front of me. Some are nice, some are mean. Some say things behind my back. Make up stories even. I don't deny anything. Why would I? It is so much nicer to be thought of, than not to be thought of. Then to actually be dying. Than to be actually be weak and sick. No wonder why he was always angry with me. Sorry Patrick. Sorry. And thank you for letting me love you.

Here you were love
Was not
Through You I fell
I love and yet I'm forced to seem to hate
Some gentle passion slide into my mind
Or be more cruel love
Or so be kind
Or let me live with some more sweet content,
Or die and so forget what love here meant
I love to hear him speak
Yet well I know
And yet
By heaven
I think my love as rare
When my love swears that he is made of truth
I do believe him
Though I know he lies
O Love's Best Habit Is In Seeming Trust
And In Love Loves Not To Have Years Told

I wrote this so long ago, cause when I first started to fall in love I ran away from him and broke up with him. Than when I truly realized I was in love I felt I was lost without him. Patrick, was my best friend and my neighbor when I was growing up with him,I went to him everytime I felt sad and he made all my saddness fade away. It seemed when I was in his presence every worry I had disappeared. But even though I know one day we were destined to be separated I still fell in love with him. So I try to make up every doubt I had about our relationship. By truly trusting him and rely on the fact that even though I don't know how things will turn out I will jump into without looking back, no regrets. How could loving him be so wrong? How? Maybe it was scary for him too. When I was that young my parents found out that I was sick. That I had a tumor that affects my immune system that affected my thoughts. They were sure I was going to die one day. That everytime I was sick. They would tell anyone that came looking for me. I am not home. I no where to be found. No one will ever find my when I was sick or in the hospital. I tried several times telling Patrick the truth. But he believes I lie. So I had no choice but to love him when I can and wait until I truly do die. No matter how much it hurt I never give up loving him.